Headline News – WEEKEND EDITION
BREAKING NEWS
Reports are trickling in that the Black Pearl has been carrying a serious mechanical calamity since Cape Horn. At this stage information is sketchy due to the sensitive stature that these grand prix crews have about the proprietary aspects of their technical systems.However it is understood that they have been dealing with a ram failure which is potentially disastrous on these boats.
The on board Trauma Unit for Ram Damage(turd) consisting of Merino Master J “gumboots” Smith LeicesterLover Williams Corriedale Satterthwaite and FlyBlow Ferris have been working trielessly around the clock to rectum-fy the problem. Noticably absent from the unit is former chairman Ram-Rod Ardern who has stepped down in order to pursue similar study om reindeer. His position was offered to Julian Salter who respectfully declined as he prefers cow(e)s.
It is understood that the boat was sailing fully canted in a average Cape Horn Triple overhead seaway and a very loud squeak was heard from the interior and upon rapid TURD inpections it was found that the backup ram on board had baa baa’d its last breathe.
Initial diagnostics have revealed a split in the main casing which has rendereed the unit “unserviceable” The TURDs are still optimistic that the unit can be partially restored to a limited capacity.
It is still unknown as to the racing status of the boat but it is believed that there are several crew members from the LAND of the WRONG WHITE CROWD who are emotionally distraught. It is hoped that technical descriptions may finally be released by the team in the near future.
E.R.
In this episode there are several plots playing out.
The show open with a dishevelled and demented individual (played by Juggy Clougher) wandering aimlessly around la-la land (foredeck) and he is struck
by lightning probably from God (paperclipped around babystay on a 30kt surf) He is found alternately wailing in agony and muttering unintelligably and brought to the E.R.where he is de-rided and scorned by the personnel (whole boat crew) for being a grubby untidy hill-billy of questionable morals and dubious character. Still in such injured state he is tended to by a mysterious Euro(played by deRidder) who is actually a total faker masquerading as MedicalProfessional to satiate his sick pleasure to inflict pain on others.
In another scene we see a sorry citizen with a obscure sickness emerging late in his life. In his first guest starring role we see exciting new talent Jeremy Smith play a poor bloke in a tormented and drugged state (nicotine narcossis from choofing hard on Cape Horn cigars) try and commit suicide by diving onto a lamp post ( drilled into grinder on another 30 kts surf) and incur shocking chest injuries. He was treated for psychological dis-orders as well as rib contusions and kept in over night for observations (confined to bunk) but made a miraculous recovery and discharged himself from the ward upon seeing deRidder sicko doing his morning rounds and gloving up with a DOUBLE BUNGER suppository in his hand!!
Also doing his rounds we see the cool suave new intern surgeon suture specialist (played by Ferris) who is actually never yet seen to put a stitch in anything despite his alleged credentials !! Interestingly enough there is NO nurses in this ward ????? What’s up with that??
In a side plot beady eyed lawyer ambulance chaser and his partner (Salter and Cayard) are plotting to catch ABN EMS VOR70 Inc vehicles somehow but they haven’t figured out exactly how yet!
Innocent bystander (Pearl Williams) is hit and run by a bus (massive wave in 30 ts surf while steering and sustains debilitating leg injuries( hyper-extended knee joint) but amazingly manages to make his own way to the clinic where he is given a comprehensive order of anti-inflams and painkillers from the dispensary. The team tried to give him a hug as well but he doesn’t seem to go for that sort of thing ??
The tea lady (played by Anthony Merrington) does a brisk business around the ward and the cart is always empty before closing time. Merrington actually trully skinned his own finger in order to gain access to the set and the crew liked his commitment so much they kept him there. Funny thing is his finger is still skinned and hurts like hell HAHA. Orderly (Ardern) is leaving the show at the end of this episode sadly as he has a new part in another simply titled show…the A.C.
SPORT NEWS
The open ocean keel sea weed casting world series participated by Williams (defending champion says he) Ferris and Juggy. The conditions were ok and there was weed to be got but the 3 contestants were ABSOLUTELY h-o-p-e-l-e-s-s and couldn’t catch JACK. What a woe-full display to be seen at this level !! The spectators we treated to an extremely colourful dialogue of vulgar expletives and got the full jist of the deal by all the EXPERTS methodology (of clearly what NOT to do)
I don’t think there will be much interest in this sport in the near future.
ENTERTAINMENT
Tonight we are going be treated to a special running of the previously never released DIRECTORS CUT of Erles Exciting Adventures on Flyer
Lost souls on board the Black Pearl
Even more important …
….this is TOP SECRET !!
I do NOT have the faintest clue what PBO is either.
Lost Soul POTC racing and wrecking crew.
